Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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