Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
