Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
