he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
