How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
