i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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