Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
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Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
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I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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