I wish my penis had an off switch
I think I won the penis lottery.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
