Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
