I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
