today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
