Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
40s are totally the cure
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
