I think I died a long time ago.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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