no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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