So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
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Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
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I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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