i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Randomize
