I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
