Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
