I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
