We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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