I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
