Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
