from now on my penis is your penis
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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