help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
