I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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