dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Randomize
