1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
