and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
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Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
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and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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