the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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