i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
