New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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