I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
