It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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