It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
