I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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