my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
