I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
