you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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