remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
