Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
