I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I need to sanitize my soul.
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