Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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