I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
