Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
