I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
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And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
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Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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