she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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