just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
