Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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