we're chasing vodka with high fives
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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