She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
