Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
