There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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