I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
