Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
