So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.