My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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