last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Screwed.edu
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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