ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
