I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
