So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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