when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
