I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
