im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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