hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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