My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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