apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
