I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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